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DOLLY DIARIES (PART 2)Saturday,
29th
November, 2008 Talking of fans: I saw little Lucy from across the road this morning as well. It's Lucy's twelfth birthday today, apparently. Joyce couldn't understand why I didn't want to talk to Lucy. Well, she's a child, and children have a tendency to jump around and make a lot of noise, and I can't be doing with that sort of aggravation. It's not so bad in my own house. I feel more secure there. The last time Lucy came to visit me, we played together and she kissed me on the nose. I got shut in the front bedroom. this morning. I didn't mind at first. There is a long window which goes all the way down to the floor so you can get a grandstand view of what's going on in the street outside. When things are quiet, you can get in a bit of shut-eye on the big double bed However, when I had a good rave-up at some passing dogs, Joyce started getting agitated downstairs, and seemed to think I must have got outside into the street since she couldn't find me in my usual haunts. She's made sure the bedrooms are good and shut now. Spoilsport. Thursday,
04 December Instead, I was shut into the kitchen with my bed, and my protests were completely ignored. I asks you, is that any way to treat someone who takes their role of host as seriously as I do? I will bide my time and take my revenge as soon as something can be arranged. Mind you, I have a hazy recollection of something like that happening once before. That visitor also wore a black suit. He got all agitated about imaginary hairs on his trousers and a clothes brush had to be found. What is it about black suits? It can’t be because of hairs getting on the fabric. My hairs are black too, so even if a few were to get transferred onto the material, no one would ever known. Oh well, there is no way of accounting for the behaviour of humans. They are all a bit mad if you ask me. Joyce dropped a handkerchief tissue this morning, but for once I wasn’t quick enough to grab it and reduce it to shreds. I don’t know if other dogs are aware of this, but tissues are exceptionally tasty and go down a treat. I don’t know why Joyce should get into a “paddy” about this. After all, I do my best to eat it all. A handful of white shreds on the carpet are of no account as far as I am concerned. Christmas is coming soon, and I’ve been hoping for a chance to go out and play in the snow with Santa Clause and his elves. That should be nearly as much fun as trying to catch the water from the garden hose in my mouth. We did have fun doing that in the summer. Joyce accidently on purpose turned the hose full on me a few times when I was trying to catch some of the water in my mouth. Bark? I thought I would die! Roll on next summer, I say. Apparently you need snow before Santa can come, and so far all we have had is a hail storm, the usual rain, and a couple of frosts. As a consolation for not seeing Santa, Joyce has given me a new toy. It’s a white elf, wearing a blue and red bobble hat with matching scarf and gloves. In the evening we play hurl and catch with it. My favourite game! I’ve been keeping an eagle eye out for that squirrel, but it hasn’t put in an appearance for days. I wish Joyce would get a bird table for the garden. That would fetch Mr. Squirrel and his mates in a flash, I bet! Joyce says that putting out bird food brings rats into the garden. I wouldn’t mind a few rats myself. I could do with a bit of ratting practice. 5th December, I don’t know my own strength at times. I nearly upended Joyce a couple of times when we were out walking. Mind you, I was only trying to get to say hallo to my next door neighbour, Saffy and her mistress. I don’t often get to see them as they are out to work most of the time. 8th December, However, I live in hope. Perhaps the local authority will take me on as a regular refuse collector. I don’t require much in the way of payment. A regular bone or two – say once or twice a week - ought to take care of my wages nicely.If I wasn’t a Jack Russell, I think I’d like to be a sheep dog. I watched One Man and his Dog yesterday, and it looks to be great fun herding a flock of sheep. I wanted to join in the activities in the Lake District, but of course I got into trouble (as usual) when I tried to join in. Memo to television manufacturers: Why don’t you make television screens of softer material?. I keep bruising my nose on the hard surface. All those lovely yellow and brown leaves on the ground have turned into a soggy dark brown mess now. I like it best when I can bury my nose in them and make a lovely rustling noise. Winter is a boring season. Not much hunting to be done, and I can’t lie in the sun and top up my tan. I’m looking forward to next spring. 10th December, 2008 What I really would like is a regular diet of rump steak alternated with a generous portion of chicken breast. I know what they taste like, because when the humans have greedily put too much on their own plates they condescend to put the left-overs in my dish. As to that dried stuff, well they can jolly well put it where the sun doesn’t shine. There. I’m glad to have got that particular beef off my chest. All I can do for the present is lurk by the dining table when they are making pigs of themselves, and look up at them with, liquid, appealing eyes. That usually does the trick. 12th December, 2008 I’m thinking of getting one of my human beings to make me a Christmas card to send to my numerous fans. The one of me with my Santa Clause snowman dolly would probably be appropriate. Here it is. What do you think? 13th December, 2008 I also have the Jack Russell distinctive bark. I'm not sure why people get so worked up about it, After all, there's no way I can change my voice. Little dogs have high pitched barks. That's part of the job description. Besides, I am only house-dogging. It's what I do to pay for my keep. I am at my best when the postman comes. That's when I really let rip. Mind you, I'll let you into a little secret. If he was to be invited into the house as a bona fide visitor, I would probably lick him to death. I'm a real softy at heart when it comes to visitors. You know, I'm still feeling peeved at that slur on my ancestry. I'm shaped like a J.R, I bark like one, and by golly I kill rats like one. So there! Monday, 15th December,2008 Later on another friend came calling with a present for Joyce. We are going to her house for our Christmas dinner. I hope there is a really big turkey with all the trimmings. There are bound to be lots of left-overs for us dogs. Oh, I didn't tell you that there will be five of us Jack Russell's there, did I? I hope the others remember me, since it's quite a while since we all met up for a previous festive season. I wouldn't want them ganging up on me. I'm only little after all, and I'm a pacifist by nature. Thursday, 18th
December, 2008 Wednesday, 24th
December, 2008 Had my regular walk this morning. We had the usual tussle before Joyce managed to capture me and put on my harness. I worry about her at times. Surely it's not natural to get so red in the face and shriek, 'I'll murder you if you don't stand still while I put on the lead!' Doesn't she realise that it's normal to make a game of it? We met Angie this morning and she said she feels like murdering her Lucy at least once every day. Don't you think its time for humans to start learning a little self control? Thursday,
25th December, 2008 (Christmas Day) We had various titbits of turkey, sausage and bacon whilst the people were eating, so I didn't mind missing out on my usual meal of canned dog meat and dried dog meal. I rushed back into our house when we got back, and dashed upstairs to tell Rob about my adventure, but he wasn't there. I had forgotten that he has deserted us to spend Christmas with his sister,up north. All the more chocolates for me, is what I say. There are boxes and boxes of them around the house. This present -giving lark at Christmas is a very good thing. I think it should occur every month of the year. I'm still eating my main present, a dried pig's ear. Not bad at all. It lasts nearly as long as a bone does. Monday, 5th
January, 2009 Nothing much has been happening since then. Unfortunately the supply of turkey and mince pies seems to be drying up, though there are still a lot of chocolates around. Those mean creatures, Joyce and Rob are rationing the amount of chocolate I am allowed to have under the excuse that they are poisonous to to most animals. So what I want to know is, why aren't they poisonous to human beings as well? It's not fair, is it? And have you noticed how they make pious noises about how we will get too fat, but they go on stuffing themselves as if there is no such thing as tomorrow? Hypocrites! One way and another I am rapidly going off the human race. I've been getting a telling off for doing my canine duties of seeing off any vermin and other undesirables from the garden last thing at night, when I am out relieving myself before retiring. They don't like having rats and mice in the garden, so they should be grateful instead of complaining because it takes a little time clearing the grounds of things that have no business to be there in the first place.
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